How to Start a Meditation Practice (Without Trying to Fix Yourself)
Many people come to meditation because they want to feel better. I came to it because of anxiety and migraines.
In 2005, I was working eighty-hour weeks, striving toward a promotion, when migraines began hitting half the days of every month. My boss seemed frustrated. On my ride home from work one night, she said, “You have to figure this out.” I remember standing in my small yellow kitchen when the doctor called with my MRI results. They were clear. My bones slumped against one another in a strange mix of relief and dread. If there was no tumor, the problem was me. I was too anxious.
The next day, I walked up my narrow street to a small spiritual store. I knew the manager because I adored Pete, her spotted American bulldog, who lounged in the doorway. She was the only “expert” I knew. I bought the CD she suggested—three basic meditations—and committed to practicing hard enough that I’d transform into serene productivity. Into anyone other than who I was.
I was going to will my body and mind to relax. If I could do that, I reasoned, I’d be able to handle my workload and the emotional winds that came with it. Because I believed I should be able to do this.
Meditation would show me another way.
What I didn’t understand then was that I was approaching meditation the same way I approached everything else: as a problem to solve. My suffering had become unavoidable. Anxiety and migraines were overwhelming my days. I was aware of this, but I didn’t know how to bring compassion to it. In fact, that wasn’t even something I’d considered.
It’s not that striving is all bad. It was one of my survival strategies. If I pushed through my pain, I found belonging and achievement at work. My inner critic was trying to help me do well and be worthy. But I was trying to use meditation to surgically remove the parts of me I didn’t like.
Over time, I learned that mindfulness has two core components: awareness of what’s here, and care. It doesn’t ask us to fix ourselves. Only to learn how to be with the experience that’s actually here. It has so much to impart.
What Meditation Is (and Is Not)
Meditation is a practice for noticing our internal experiences and responding with kindness. We begin by noticing:
What’s happening in the body
What’s happening in the heart
What’s happening in the mind
Then we bring compassion to whatever we discover. And if that’s challenging, as it is for so many, even the intention to be kind to ourselves can begin to loosen some of those mental habits.
Meditation is not:
A way to stop thoughts
A way to bypass difficulty
A way to become calm all the time
Something to achieve
Meditation isn’t about getting rid of experience. It’s about learning how to be with it.
Getting Started
If you’re just beginning a meditation practice, or recommitting to one, I recommend starting gently. Some things to consider:
Time of day. Meditating in the morning works well for many people, but there’s no right time. Some find the evening is a nice way to settle in after the day.
Length of time. How long is a “good” meditation? Pick a sane amount of time. Five minutes count. If you’d like to begin with 15 or 20 minutes, wonderful, but start where it feels doable.
How do I start? An anchor can steady your attention. Focusing on the breath is the most common, but sound or sensations in your body (such as rotating between your hands and feet) are also wonderful anchors. There’s no wrong choice.
Do I need an app? Some people use the timer on their phones. Others like guided meditations (if this is you, an app like Insight Timer could be helpful). Go with what feels easiest in your body.
How do I sit? You can sit, stand, or lie down. You can also walk. Choose a posture that feels supportive and dignified, and know it can change depending on how you’re feeling on any given day.
So many of us have been taught that we have to earn rest. I know I believed that (and often still do). Meditation invites a different orientation. Here are some phrases I often repeat in my own practice:
Nothing to do.
Nothing to get.
No one to be.
Many people want to know, “How do I know if I’m doing it right?” There really isn’t a way to do it wrong. Meditation is a practice that evolves and invites creativity. We’re not trying to become good meditators. We’re learning how to be with and tend to ourselves. Welcome home.