What do you do when all you feel is rage?

Recently, I traveled to Maui, where I visited the late Ram Dass’ home and joined a meditation with the people who still practice there. On my way out, I walked past his altar. As part of his spiritual practice, he included photos of political leaders he disagreed with. It’s been playing in my head ever since, returning me to a moment at a Zen retreat in 2018.

I was sitting in the meditation hall trying to offer lovingkindness to people whose actions had harmed me. I was stuck. First, I’d blame them, and then myself for being unforgiving. Growing up, I believed my hatred was sinful, so one of us had to be good, the other bad. An endless loop. Buddhism’s view of hatred felt more like a gentle hand on my back. Hatred is a hindrance, a cause of suffering, as opposed to a punishable sin. And maybe the two teachings point to the same truth. I’m just more permeable when I’m not scared.

During the Q&A period, another attendee said she found it impossible to offer lovingkindness to a certain politician. What do you do when all you feel is rage? The teacher closed her eyes, then said, “Well, sometimes I just think…maybe next life.” Laughter released the pressure valve in my chest. When the room resettled, she offered the real answer: “You might try May you be free from hatred.” That I could do. It would change the entire world. I also like this one: May you sense your inner goodness.

Since I returned from Maui, I’ve taken up this practice again. Unlike in the past when I tried to will lovingkindness outward, I’ve found that the real healing moves inward. When I see those younger, scared, and desperate versions of myself, I take them by the hand, fold them into my arms, and call them home. In the past, I hated them for being so naïve, for making so many mistakes. In this new light, my judgment and harshness dissolve. And then it becomes reflexive to look at this person in my midst who’s causing harm because they want to love and be loved, and don’t know how.

This isn’t about excusing what’s been done or lowering our guard. Protection is a form of lovingkindness. It asks me to stand up for my values. It guides me to say no to things that harm me. But if hatred starts stomping around, it quickly grows into every corner and crowds out my love.